BTN News: Friendships are complex and layered, often defined by unspoken hierarchies that shape our social lives. While we might like to think of friendships as equal and reciprocal, the reality is that we often rank our relationships, even if we wouldn’t admit it. This ranking system becomes particularly evident in our “medium friends” or “almost friends”—those people who aren’t quite in our inner circle but still hold some importance. These relationships can be tricky to navigate, especially when one person views the connection as more significant than the other. The imbalance in expectations can create subtle tensions, as each person operates under different assumptions about the depth and obligations of their friendship. This article delves into the intricate dynamics of these almost friendships, exploring how they form, why they matter, and the challenges they present in maintaining a balanced social network.
Human connections are often born out of shared experiences—a terrible boss, a difficult project, or even the collective escape from the dreaded school parent chat. These moments create bonds that, while real and valuable, may not always translate into enduring friendships. Sometimes, these connections fade as life returns to normal, while in other cases, one party may hold onto the relationship more tightly, hoping it will grow into something deeper. Sociologist Claude Fisher from the University of Berkeley calls this phenomenon “expectation asymmetry,” where the level of investment and expectation differs between two friends. This disparity is particularly common among what academics refer to as “medium friends”—relationships that fall somewhere between close friends and mere acquaintances.
Medium friends are genuine connections; they share history, humor, and interests. They can be incredibly useful for networking or simply staying informed, as demonstrated by Mark S. Granovetter’s study on the power of weak ties, where he found that 84% of people secured jobs through such contacts. However, unlike close friends, medium friends don’t always receive our full attention or emotional energy. For instance, if a medium friend receives a serious diagnosis, how should one respond? Is it enough to send a polite message, or is there an obligation to offer more support? The answer often depends on the individual’s social structure and the strength of their primary social network.
Some people, lacking a strong core group of friends, may place more value on their medium friendships. For them, these relationships can take on greater significance, filling gaps in their social lives. On the other hand, those with a well-established primary network might view their almost friends as light, utilitarian connections—pleasant but not essential. According to clinical psychologist Cinthya Molina, the key is understanding that everyone organizes their social life differently. For some, medium friends are just that—medium. But for others, they may play a more crucial role.
Our capacity to maintain friendships is limited by both time and emotional bandwidth. We naturally categorize our relationships, often unconsciously, into different levels of closeness. Some friends make it into the innermost circle—those with whom we’ve shared significant life events and whose presence feels almost irreplaceable. Others remain on the periphery, valuable but not vital. This dynamic is influenced by various factors, including physical proximity. Research by Beverley Fehr, a social psychologist at the University of Winnipeg, highlights how friends tend to drift apart when one person moves away. While digital communication can help maintain contact, it rarely sustains the same level of closeness.
The idea that friendships are organized into concentric circles is supported by the work of evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar, famous for proposing “Dunbar’s number.” According to Dunbar, the human brain can only manage about 150 stable and meaningful relationships throughout a lifetime. At the very core of this social structure are five or so people, including a life partner, who constitute our most intimate connections. The second circle might include around 15 people, while the third could expand to include 30 to 40, with the outermost circle being more loosely connected acquaintances. Almost friends typically hover in the second or third circle, although their exact placement is often fluid and context-dependent.
Interestingly, Dunbar found that people are very slow to replace friends in their closest circles, especially those from formative years, like university. These friendships are resilient, needing little maintenance, and can pick up where they left off even after long periods of no contact. However, the further out from the center of the social circle, the more turnover there is. For young adults, this rotation can be as high as 30% to 40% annually, often driven by life changes such as moving, changing jobs, or shifting interests. As we age, this turnover slows, but it remains a significant factor in how we manage our broader social network.
One reason we hesitate to be explicit about the nature of our almost friendships is that we prefer to keep our options open. If a medium friend drifts away, we often let it happen naturally rather than confronting the issue. This approach, a mix of politeness and self-interest, allows us to potentially rekindle the relationship later if circumstances change. As Beverley Fehr notes, when faced with a conflict of loyalties involving a medium friend, many people choose to withdraw, hoping that time will resolve the situation.
The importance of medium friends should not be underestimated. As life progresses, social circles tend to shrink, sometimes leaving us with only one or two close friends. In this context, the value of almost friends becomes more apparent. Studies show that light, low-expectation social interactions can be incredibly beneficial, improving mood, reducing stress, and enhancing the sense of belonging. For those who are shy or introverted, these lighter interactions can provide a crucial social outlet without the demands of more intense relationships.
Moreover, well-functioning social groups often consist of a mix of close and medium friends. This blend creates a dynamic where different types of relationships coexist, each offering unique benefits. The key to maintaining harmony in these groups may lie in not overanalyzing the roles each person plays. After all, we are all almost friends to someone else, existing in a delicate balance between intimacy and distance.
In conclusion, the concept of almost friends or medium friends is a fascinating aspect of our social lives that reveals much about how we navigate relationships. While these connections may lack the depth of close friendships, they still play a vital role in our overall social health. Understanding the dynamics of these relationships, and accepting the inevitable asymmetries in expectations, can help us manage our social networks more effectively. As life changes, so too will our friendships, and the medium friends of today may become the close friends of tomorrow—or they may fade into the background, only to reappear when circumstances align once again.
